My new reality.

Its been difficult to sit down and write down what I am going through these past few weeks since my dad died. I am numb to pain as I take a look back...when will I awake from this bad dream of emptiness and darkness. The days seem to go by as I feel forced to face another day in this horrible dream. Is there a possibility of awaking to the norm of what I once knew. But where would I awake too? When would I prefer my life to begin or where will I awake to? Am I happy in that moment? There are times that it feels easier to think that my new life without my father is a bad dream but I know deep down that today is my new reality. My heart breaks as my memories of dad come to my mind, especially when he would laugh and be silly. Its funny how his presence could always lighten the mood of any room with just being himself. But now I will never be able to see or touch him anymore in my world and I hurt. I want to curl up and just exist without any responsibilities that I carry. I question if I have had the time to allow the grief to penetrate my being and allow the tears to flow. Am I dealing with my pain correctly? I have chosen to honour my father by remaining alcohol and drug free because I love my father and I choose to walk through the heartache and pain even when I feel alone. Its still hard to accept that he is no longer in my life...what will become of my life now? what will my new identity become? I decided to take some care of myself as I took charge of my life and made appointments to see the dr about my problems..physically that is. I was treated for my heavy bleeding and tested for cancer. I came out benign or negative. I didnt know how to feel as I awaited my test results. I am thankful that my life has not been forced to go down that path of suffering. For my suffering is of my mind and I struggle to just keep afloat. I am determined to move on because of the love of my children. My thoughts of suicide have ended as I now know how it feels to loose a parent and my babies live with the lose of one parent. This basicly summarizes my thoughts...and will journal much sooner in the near future.