Disbelief

Last night I was just laying around in my bedroom and for the first time could not believe that my father had died. I was looking at a picture of him and found it hard to believe...even though I know his body was laid to rest and that I even spent time with his body before the casket was closed. I keep thinking that Im going to hear the door open and hear him call out the way he always did when he arrived home. My body feels so heavy...my hands and feet are numb and my heart continues to break a thousand times over. The house is empty this morning and as I look in to the bedroom where he once laid today I live as tho I am in a dream. When will I awake? When will dad come home again? I remember the last time he hugged me...I was helping him stand and he stood up and embraced me and just held me. I miss the warmth of his body huggind me and feeling the love of my dad. Then to hear him say I love You or Thank You when he did not have much to say. I remember his eyes when he was nearing the end and could not talk and he was having such difficulty swallowing. His eyes said it all to me and I offered simple comforts and he would thank me with his eyes. The last time I heard him make a conscious effort at voicing himself was when I knew he was discouraged with where he was at and his breathing had become more laboured. I hugged him and said, "Your almost there dad, 'Behold, all things will be made new" and his whole body relaxed and he sighed and said "Hmmm". By his response I could see that he was thanking me again. I wish I could hold his hand and feel the warmth of his skin or If I could tease him and get him mad at me..so he would laugh at himself. It is hard to imagine him gone today...even tho I know better.