Memories

My pain reached the point to where I was left feeling emotionally numb as I felt I was tied down with sorrow and grief. It hurts so much knowing that daddy is not here anymore and I cry. My tears fall with every heartache for the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally all my life. Everything in the house reminds me of him...I miss him so much. If I could only just be able to hold his hand and feel him squeeze tightly once again...just so I can feel his love for me. There are so many longings, and I wonder if I will find comfort from what Im going through. My fears of the unknown attempt to drown me with anxiety but Im thankful for today and the roof over our heads. I dont know how dad was able to continue moving forward through the loss of his parents...Dad how did it make you feel? Another question I had forgotten to ask..there are so many more left unanswered now. At times I wish I could wake up from this dream and life would be as it was over 10 years ago before my own suffering began, when my baby son died in my arms. Why are we allowed to suffer? and when will I find relief? Grief continues to build in layers as I get older and how my spirit longs to be free from anguish and sorrow. Yet..I have made it through another day and am tired from the grief.

I hurt to be with you...

There are times I think I hear you walking in the house and I long to see and have you touch my shoulder as you walk by. Today I sat at the kitchen table longing to see you sit down with me and to hear you talk. My heart bleeds to have you near me and have you talk to me the way you have always done. The house does not feel the same as we all try to live as life once was...then reality reminds me that your gone..not on a trip but gone from my life for good. I find that Im exhausted from the past few years of watching dad suffer and the wonder of how life will be like without him. My sleep gives me comfort from having to think about you all the time. I feel so empty and lonely..the world looks like a different place. What hurts is to see mom waiting for you to come home and she misses you now..trying to adjust to her new life without dad. Everywhere there is a memory of you being there...daddy.
Tonight my son cried for grandpa and he longed to have his grampa near him. It broke my heart to see his suffering and tears. What is a mother to do to help her young son deal with the loss of the only man in his life. All I could do was hold him and help him relax thru is pain as I reminded him that its another wave and it will soon end. Are we going to be able to make it through the hurt? My daughter had her first day of school today and she cried getting out of the car...I knew it was hard for her to move on at her age. Later she told me that she didnt cry..and she was proud that she was able to hold it together at school.
There are times I just want to cry and cry...and then Im reminded that Dad is having fun somewhere in glory...and he looks forward to us meeting him there. Im comforted by the hold spirit as scriptures and songs come into my head as though dad is singing them to me. The house doesnt feel the same without his music and song...I miss it. I wonder how long will we have to wait to see him again? When will I too complete the will of God for my life and arrive home to be with Jesus. Imperfect I am...yet I have a new longing to go home.

The day after my fathers funeral

This morning I woke up in so much pain in my hands and feet. There seemed to be a numbing sensation in my face, forearms and calves. To walk felt as though I was stepping on pins and needles. My hands, feet and lower legs felt swollen with an intense burn. It felt great to sleep and know that there was really nothing to do today after weeks of caring for my dad. My body hurts...and I realize that its because my adrenaline has kept me going this past month. Im so tired and so wounded. I ended having another nap and awoke to remembering my mothers birthday today. This is her first celebration without my dad and it hurts me when I think of her not having his love. I just dont feel like being around anyone and the depression keeps me from being busy. I just didnt feel like leaving the house and go shopping for my mothers gift. I didnt bother having a shower because I just didnt care today. I just ended up getting out to walmart to get her something from my kids and I. The younger girls cooked her meal and made her cake=but the day still felt so empty. My view of the world looks different and I cant imagine no seeing my father around the house anymore. His chores around the house are not done and now I feel the responsibility of taking on those duties. After singing my mothers birthday song I just ended up having another nap because the hurt and pain I was experiencing was strong. I so wanted to hear my dads voice joining in our song to mom. I ended up at the casino and did not feel myself all the time we were there. For many months I was left to worry and wonder when dad would leave us. Just knowing that he was no longer around left a huge hole in my heart and I longed to just be with him by his side. With every step Im reminded of the pain I have to endure but somehow I feel its ok. Life feel so different without him here.