Thursday, March 25, 2010
Memories
My pain reached the point to where I was left feeling emotionally numb as I felt I was tied down with sorrow and grief. It hurts so much knowing that daddy is not here anymore and I cry. My tears fall with every heartache for the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally all my life. Everything in the house reminds me of him...I miss him so much. If I could only just be able to hold his hand and feel him squeeze tightly once again...just so I can feel his love for me. There are so many longings, and I wonder if I will find comfort from what Im going through. My fears of the unknown attempt to drown me with anxiety but Im thankful for today and the roof over our heads. I dont know how dad was able to continue moving forward through the loss of his parents...Dad how did it make you feel? Another question I had forgotten to ask..there are so many more left unanswered now. At times I wish I could wake up from this dream and life would be as it was over 10 years ago before my own suffering began, when my baby son died in my arms. Why are we allowed to suffer? and when will I find relief? Grief continues to build in layers as I get older and how my spirit longs to be free from anguish and sorrow. Yet..I have made it through another day and am tired from the grief.
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Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I've been there having lost my dad to Pulmonary Fibrosis on July 30th, 2001. The weird thing was...was that it was easier for me to see him go because I visited him every day in the hospital for 6 weeks before he died. My brother and sisters all took it hard. Many times I sat with my dad and had to listen to him tell what to do after he was gone. The saturday before he died was the most painful for me. I knew the end was coming. My dad told me that he had spoken with my sister's in laws who were pastors of a church in new mexico. He told me he said the sinner's prayer. I was so happy but dying inside because the end was coming and we both knew it. He passed away on Monday, July 30th, 2001 at 2:56 p.m. He was surrounded by me, my son Jonathon, my sister Crystal and my mother. He didn't go until Crystal told him it was okay. And then with all his brothers and sisters and neices and nephews in the room, he slipped away peacefully. I didn't cry. I didn't cry at all. It was so easy for me to accept his death knowing that he wasnt in pain anymore. I now live life hoping not to disappoint him. I still feel him Rachel. It's going on 9 years and I still feel him. I can hear him sometimes...once when i was sleeping in and I heard his sharp voice waking me up by saying, "BUNNY!!!" I think of him being no longer in pain and smiling his beautiful smile. I miss him dearly and my daughter whose only 3 years old knows of him. We have a picture of him in our living room and she acknowledges him as her grandpa. He would have loved her. It gets easier as time goes on. But I think of him and I smile cause I know he's looking down at us. It's always harder for us, cause we're still here. They don't feel pain, maybe the pain of not being with us but they're watching. How great it was for us to know such beautiful creatures and we got to call them daddy. I feel so blessed.
I thought of you and your family everyday. I cried knowing the world had lost another great man. It really isn't fair that our time with them was already set. I feel for you, your mother and your family. I hope this helps a little bit. You aren't alone.