The day after my fathers funeral

This morning I woke up in so much pain in my hands and feet. There seemed to be a numbing sensation in my face, forearms and calves. To walk felt as though I was stepping on pins and needles. My hands, feet and lower legs felt swollen with an intense burn. It felt great to sleep and know that there was really nothing to do today after weeks of caring for my dad. My body hurts...and I realize that its because my adrenaline has kept me going this past month. Im so tired and so wounded. I ended having another nap and awoke to remembering my mothers birthday today. This is her first celebration without my dad and it hurts me when I think of her not having his love. I just dont feel like being around anyone and the depression keeps me from being busy. I just didnt feel like leaving the house and go shopping for my mothers gift. I didnt bother having a shower because I just didnt care today. I just ended up getting out to walmart to get her something from my kids and I. The younger girls cooked her meal and made her cake=but the day still felt so empty. My view of the world looks different and I cant imagine no seeing my father around the house anymore. His chores around the house are not done and now I feel the responsibility of taking on those duties. After singing my mothers birthday song I just ended up having another nap because the hurt and pain I was experiencing was strong. I so wanted to hear my dads voice joining in our song to mom. I ended up at the casino and did not feel myself all the time we were there. For many months I was left to worry and wonder when dad would leave us. Just knowing that he was no longer around left a huge hole in my heart and I longed to just be with him by his side. With every step Im reminded of the pain I have to endure but somehow I feel its ok. Life feel so different without him here.