Disbelief

Last night I was just laying around in my bedroom and for the first time could not believe that my father had died. I was looking at a picture of him and found it hard to believe...even though I know his body was laid to rest and that I even spent time with his body before the casket was closed. I keep thinking that Im going to hear the door open and hear him call out the way he always did when he arrived home. My body feels so heavy...my hands and feet are numb and my heart continues to break a thousand times over. The house is empty this morning and as I look in to the bedroom where he once laid today I live as tho I am in a dream. When will I awake? When will dad come home again? I remember the last time he hugged me...I was helping him stand and he stood up and embraced me and just held me. I miss the warmth of his body huggind me and feeling the love of my dad. Then to hear him say I love You or Thank You when he did not have much to say. I remember his eyes when he was nearing the end and could not talk and he was having such difficulty swallowing. His eyes said it all to me and I offered simple comforts and he would thank me with his eyes. The last time I heard him make a conscious effort at voicing himself was when I knew he was discouraged with where he was at and his breathing had become more laboured. I hugged him and said, "Your almost there dad, 'Behold, all things will be made new" and his whole body relaxed and he sighed and said "Hmmm". By his response I could see that he was thanking me again. I wish I could hold his hand and feel the warmth of his skin or If I could tease him and get him mad at me..so he would laugh at himself. It is hard to imagine him gone today...even tho I know better.

Week Five...35 Days in Heaven

Tonight I am unable to sleep even though I am tired. This has been a long month and today was week 5 since my fathers death. As I look back time has seemed to have slowed down and I have no energy left within me to carry on. My body hurts all over now and my heart breaks continually as I allow it to. I find my self zoning out just to live in the memory of what my father would have said to me today. With the help of my sister we were able to pack the majority of dads things until mom decides to part with them. This took alot of time and was emotionally difficult to do...one doesnt think of that emotional part when there are things to acomplish. Today I walked around the house and took notice of the empty places of which my father had some claim to and that area is now cleaned out or is empty and bare. This reality hits me hard to the very core of my soul because dad is really gone and wont be coming home. I silently cry within as I struggle with the truth of never seeing dad again on this earth.
Mom was playing a cassette of dads singing and for a moment I felt normal as though he was playing in the next room as he normally would do. Then the sting of death hits and the tears begin to fall and roll down my face and my body grives from the pain. I want my daddy to smile and sing to me again...I want to touch him and feel the love he had for me. I still need him in my life. My mind goes back to the time when we buried him...I still cant believe that my father is laid there now.
I had my first dream of dad...of which was not significant..it was dad at home of which now seemed like paradise...because I had both my parents around me and we were all happy. Of course dad was offering his usual advise to some sort of stuggle I was complaining about. I miss his stories around that table now and the laughs and smiles he gave. Why did I not realize how unique my father was in this world, especially as a native man. To my own ignorance I thought that the world had many men like dad. What if dad never followed Jesus and lived his life the way he did...where would so many families be today if it wasnt for a simple indian kid who loved God and wanted to serve him no matter the cost. Mom and dad were brought together definitly by devine intervention because they were made for each other...no other could have put up with each others stubborn ways like they could and still love one another. Ive been so blessed to have had them in my life.
It breaks me to see ma cry...grieve...and be alone. Mom never liked to be without dad for very long and its much to long for her now. She talks of speaking to him before she falls asleep and feels abandoned by him. I remember hearing them both crying in the night because of the cancer and now she is left alone. The pain is wearing on her now..you can see it in her face..where are those that care? why have they not come?
After months of waiting for a home of our own we finally got it and dad was not able to celebrate with us. My kids are relieved to have thier own rooms yet they are not the same. The pain we all feel follows us. Having to move on has been a difficult step as I continue to face my uncertain future. I just want to go home.

Memoir of Dad

I was thinking of some of the stories that I have heard from others about dad and I began to think of collecting some of these stories in memory of him. Not only for myself but for his grandchildren or for other men who need to hear of a native man who displayed some positive qualities in his life. But that was just my thoughts for the day...
There are moments when I believe that God is speaking to my soul and this has not occured in sometime. Why? My mind has been opening to new thinking and this time I cant help but feel that Im being called. Called out to where? That I dont know. The question that is rolled around in my head is, "What am I going to do with all that I have learned from the father who was given to me and am I willing to take on the family legacy? Am I willing to let everything go and follow jesus? All my life I have never needed to address this because our family was in the midst of active living and I was not interested in following the path of my parents. Now that dad has left Im left to question my worldly wisdom and the ability I have in taking on challenges...of which I inherited from my father. Never was I able to see my dads heart in his service for the King and now I can see it so clearly.
I miss my dad and I know that he would gently ask my to seek and wait on the lord. I know in my heart that I grive intensely for him and long to have him walk in and say, "I'm Home!...Karen..I'm Home!"...He was always excited to see the love of his life. Today mom finally did some work on putting her things away that belonged to dad. This left her feeling wounded and tired...and there is so much left to do. I have been so sick with my asthma and struggle to breath from it. I am better now at the moment. The weather was warm and inviting as tho the universe was giving my a gentle hug in my sorrow. Im ok...and Im thankful for the life that I have been given and the love we have around here dispite our heartache and pain.

Overcast Weather

Today reminds me of the final days of being with my father as we watched him fight and struggle to the very end. A cloudy day brings back the memory of a stressful and emotional time in our lives...why did saying goodbye to dad have to be so hard? Its been 18 days since he left our lives here on earth and the pain is just as real. My heart longs to see him...at home..with us...the house is quiet..a different quiet because he is not here. Being on a schedule has been the norm for his house especailly with meals and now ...we dont eat the way we once did. Dad had us on his routine...The kids grieve thier own way...and its hard to be the one to bring comfort to the ones who dont understand. My heart bleeds to the point of breaking a thousand times a day. I look at the chores that need to be done now...dad would have not allowed his home to present itself this way. Mom is not who she once was...I dont hear her laugh anymore...her joy is gone and doesnt want to be home. Daddy??? Are you home? What are you doing now? How are you feeling? Has been my routine as I would see him and spend time with him. I sit here as my tears roll down my face and my pain aches longing to find comfort in his arms. I miss dad so much....his presence gave me a place to call home. I dont belong anywhere here on earth and Im at a loss..I want to go home.