Week Five...35 Days in Heaven

Tonight I am unable to sleep even though I am tired. This has been a long month and today was week 5 since my fathers death. As I look back time has seemed to have slowed down and I have no energy left within me to carry on. My body hurts all over now and my heart breaks continually as I allow it to. I find my self zoning out just to live in the memory of what my father would have said to me today. With the help of my sister we were able to pack the majority of dads things until mom decides to part with them. This took alot of time and was emotionally difficult to do...one doesnt think of that emotional part when there are things to acomplish. Today I walked around the house and took notice of the empty places of which my father had some claim to and that area is now cleaned out or is empty and bare. This reality hits me hard to the very core of my soul because dad is really gone and wont be coming home. I silently cry within as I struggle with the truth of never seeing dad again on this earth.
Mom was playing a cassette of dads singing and for a moment I felt normal as though he was playing in the next room as he normally would do. Then the sting of death hits and the tears begin to fall and roll down my face and my body grives from the pain. I want my daddy to smile and sing to me again...I want to touch him and feel the love he had for me. I still need him in my life. My mind goes back to the time when we buried him...I still cant believe that my father is laid there now.
I had my first dream of dad...of which was not significant..it was dad at home of which now seemed like paradise...because I had both my parents around me and we were all happy. Of course dad was offering his usual advise to some sort of stuggle I was complaining about. I miss his stories around that table now and the laughs and smiles he gave. Why did I not realize how unique my father was in this world, especially as a native man. To my own ignorance I thought that the world had many men like dad. What if dad never followed Jesus and lived his life the way he did...where would so many families be today if it wasnt for a simple indian kid who loved God and wanted to serve him no matter the cost. Mom and dad were brought together definitly by devine intervention because they were made for each other...no other could have put up with each others stubborn ways like they could and still love one another. Ive been so blessed to have had them in my life.
It breaks me to see ma cry...grieve...and be alone. Mom never liked to be without dad for very long and its much to long for her now. She talks of speaking to him before she falls asleep and feels abandoned by him. I remember hearing them both crying in the night because of the cancer and now she is left alone. The pain is wearing on her now..you can see it in her face..where are those that care? why have they not come?
After months of waiting for a home of our own we finally got it and dad was not able to celebrate with us. My kids are relieved to have thier own rooms yet they are not the same. The pain we all feel follows us. Having to move on has been a difficult step as I continue to face my uncertain future. I just want to go home.