My new reality.

Its been difficult to sit down and write down what I am going through these past few weeks since my dad died. I am numb to pain as I take a look back...when will I awake from this bad dream of emptiness and darkness. The days seem to go by as I feel forced to face another day in this horrible dream. Is there a possibility of awaking to the norm of what I once knew. But where would I awake too? When would I prefer my life to begin or where will I awake to? Am I happy in that moment? There are times that it feels easier to think that my new life without my father is a bad dream but I know deep down that today is my new reality. My heart breaks as my memories of dad come to my mind, especially when he would laugh and be silly. Its funny how his presence could always lighten the mood of any room with just being himself. But now I will never be able to see or touch him anymore in my world and I hurt. I want to curl up and just exist without any responsibilities that I carry. I question if I have had the time to allow the grief to penetrate my being and allow the tears to flow. Am I dealing with my pain correctly? I have chosen to honour my father by remaining alcohol and drug free because I love my father and I choose to walk through the heartache and pain even when I feel alone. Its still hard to accept that he is no longer in my life...what will become of my life now? what will my new identity become? I decided to take some care of myself as I took charge of my life and made appointments to see the dr about my problems..physically that is. I was treated for my heavy bleeding and tested for cancer. I came out benign or negative. I didnt know how to feel as I awaited my test results. I am thankful that my life has not been forced to go down that path of suffering. For my suffering is of my mind and I struggle to just keep afloat. I am determined to move on because of the love of my children. My thoughts of suicide have ended as I now know how it feels to loose a parent and my babies live with the lose of one parent. This basicly summarizes my thoughts...and will journal much sooner in the near future.

Disbelief

Last night I was just laying around in my bedroom and for the first time could not believe that my father had died. I was looking at a picture of him and found it hard to believe...even though I know his body was laid to rest and that I even spent time with his body before the casket was closed. I keep thinking that Im going to hear the door open and hear him call out the way he always did when he arrived home. My body feels so heavy...my hands and feet are numb and my heart continues to break a thousand times over. The house is empty this morning and as I look in to the bedroom where he once laid today I live as tho I am in a dream. When will I awake? When will dad come home again? I remember the last time he hugged me...I was helping him stand and he stood up and embraced me and just held me. I miss the warmth of his body huggind me and feeling the love of my dad. Then to hear him say I love You or Thank You when he did not have much to say. I remember his eyes when he was nearing the end and could not talk and he was having such difficulty swallowing. His eyes said it all to me and I offered simple comforts and he would thank me with his eyes. The last time I heard him make a conscious effort at voicing himself was when I knew he was discouraged with where he was at and his breathing had become more laboured. I hugged him and said, "Your almost there dad, 'Behold, all things will be made new" and his whole body relaxed and he sighed and said "Hmmm". By his response I could see that he was thanking me again. I wish I could hold his hand and feel the warmth of his skin or If I could tease him and get him mad at me..so he would laugh at himself. It is hard to imagine him gone today...even tho I know better.

Week Five...35 Days in Heaven

Tonight I am unable to sleep even though I am tired. This has been a long month and today was week 5 since my fathers death. As I look back time has seemed to have slowed down and I have no energy left within me to carry on. My body hurts all over now and my heart breaks continually as I allow it to. I find my self zoning out just to live in the memory of what my father would have said to me today. With the help of my sister we were able to pack the majority of dads things until mom decides to part with them. This took alot of time and was emotionally difficult to do...one doesnt think of that emotional part when there are things to acomplish. Today I walked around the house and took notice of the empty places of which my father had some claim to and that area is now cleaned out or is empty and bare. This reality hits me hard to the very core of my soul because dad is really gone and wont be coming home. I silently cry within as I struggle with the truth of never seeing dad again on this earth.
Mom was playing a cassette of dads singing and for a moment I felt normal as though he was playing in the next room as he normally would do. Then the sting of death hits and the tears begin to fall and roll down my face and my body grives from the pain. I want my daddy to smile and sing to me again...I want to touch him and feel the love he had for me. I still need him in my life. My mind goes back to the time when we buried him...I still cant believe that my father is laid there now.
I had my first dream of dad...of which was not significant..it was dad at home of which now seemed like paradise...because I had both my parents around me and we were all happy. Of course dad was offering his usual advise to some sort of stuggle I was complaining about. I miss his stories around that table now and the laughs and smiles he gave. Why did I not realize how unique my father was in this world, especially as a native man. To my own ignorance I thought that the world had many men like dad. What if dad never followed Jesus and lived his life the way he did...where would so many families be today if it wasnt for a simple indian kid who loved God and wanted to serve him no matter the cost. Mom and dad were brought together definitly by devine intervention because they were made for each other...no other could have put up with each others stubborn ways like they could and still love one another. Ive been so blessed to have had them in my life.
It breaks me to see ma cry...grieve...and be alone. Mom never liked to be without dad for very long and its much to long for her now. She talks of speaking to him before she falls asleep and feels abandoned by him. I remember hearing them both crying in the night because of the cancer and now she is left alone. The pain is wearing on her now..you can see it in her face..where are those that care? why have they not come?
After months of waiting for a home of our own we finally got it and dad was not able to celebrate with us. My kids are relieved to have thier own rooms yet they are not the same. The pain we all feel follows us. Having to move on has been a difficult step as I continue to face my uncertain future. I just want to go home.

Memoir of Dad

I was thinking of some of the stories that I have heard from others about dad and I began to think of collecting some of these stories in memory of him. Not only for myself but for his grandchildren or for other men who need to hear of a native man who displayed some positive qualities in his life. But that was just my thoughts for the day...
There are moments when I believe that God is speaking to my soul and this has not occured in sometime. Why? My mind has been opening to new thinking and this time I cant help but feel that Im being called. Called out to where? That I dont know. The question that is rolled around in my head is, "What am I going to do with all that I have learned from the father who was given to me and am I willing to take on the family legacy? Am I willing to let everything go and follow jesus? All my life I have never needed to address this because our family was in the midst of active living and I was not interested in following the path of my parents. Now that dad has left Im left to question my worldly wisdom and the ability I have in taking on challenges...of which I inherited from my father. Never was I able to see my dads heart in his service for the King and now I can see it so clearly.
I miss my dad and I know that he would gently ask my to seek and wait on the lord. I know in my heart that I grive intensely for him and long to have him walk in and say, "I'm Home!...Karen..I'm Home!"...He was always excited to see the love of his life. Today mom finally did some work on putting her things away that belonged to dad. This left her feeling wounded and tired...and there is so much left to do. I have been so sick with my asthma and struggle to breath from it. I am better now at the moment. The weather was warm and inviting as tho the universe was giving my a gentle hug in my sorrow. Im ok...and Im thankful for the life that I have been given and the love we have around here dispite our heartache and pain.

Overcast Weather

Today reminds me of the final days of being with my father as we watched him fight and struggle to the very end. A cloudy day brings back the memory of a stressful and emotional time in our lives...why did saying goodbye to dad have to be so hard? Its been 18 days since he left our lives here on earth and the pain is just as real. My heart longs to see him...at home..with us...the house is quiet..a different quiet because he is not here. Being on a schedule has been the norm for his house especailly with meals and now ...we dont eat the way we once did. Dad had us on his routine...The kids grieve thier own way...and its hard to be the one to bring comfort to the ones who dont understand. My heart bleeds to the point of breaking a thousand times a day. I look at the chores that need to be done now...dad would have not allowed his home to present itself this way. Mom is not who she once was...I dont hear her laugh anymore...her joy is gone and doesnt want to be home. Daddy??? Are you home? What are you doing now? How are you feeling? Has been my routine as I would see him and spend time with him. I sit here as my tears roll down my face and my pain aches longing to find comfort in his arms. I miss dad so much....his presence gave me a place to call home. I dont belong anywhere here on earth and Im at a loss..I want to go home.

Memories

My pain reached the point to where I was left feeling emotionally numb as I felt I was tied down with sorrow and grief. It hurts so much knowing that daddy is not here anymore and I cry. My tears fall with every heartache for the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally all my life. Everything in the house reminds me of him...I miss him so much. If I could only just be able to hold his hand and feel him squeeze tightly once again...just so I can feel his love for me. There are so many longings, and I wonder if I will find comfort from what Im going through. My fears of the unknown attempt to drown me with anxiety but Im thankful for today and the roof over our heads. I dont know how dad was able to continue moving forward through the loss of his parents...Dad how did it make you feel? Another question I had forgotten to ask..there are so many more left unanswered now. At times I wish I could wake up from this dream and life would be as it was over 10 years ago before my own suffering began, when my baby son died in my arms. Why are we allowed to suffer? and when will I find relief? Grief continues to build in layers as I get older and how my spirit longs to be free from anguish and sorrow. Yet..I have made it through another day and am tired from the grief.

I hurt to be with you...

There are times I think I hear you walking in the house and I long to see and have you touch my shoulder as you walk by. Today I sat at the kitchen table longing to see you sit down with me and to hear you talk. My heart bleeds to have you near me and have you talk to me the way you have always done. The house does not feel the same as we all try to live as life once was...then reality reminds me that your gone..not on a trip but gone from my life for good. I find that Im exhausted from the past few years of watching dad suffer and the wonder of how life will be like without him. My sleep gives me comfort from having to think about you all the time. I feel so empty and lonely..the world looks like a different place. What hurts is to see mom waiting for you to come home and she misses you now..trying to adjust to her new life without dad. Everywhere there is a memory of you being there...daddy.
Tonight my son cried for grandpa and he longed to have his grampa near him. It broke my heart to see his suffering and tears. What is a mother to do to help her young son deal with the loss of the only man in his life. All I could do was hold him and help him relax thru is pain as I reminded him that its another wave and it will soon end. Are we going to be able to make it through the hurt? My daughter had her first day of school today and she cried getting out of the car...I knew it was hard for her to move on at her age. Later she told me that she didnt cry..and she was proud that she was able to hold it together at school.
There are times I just want to cry and cry...and then Im reminded that Dad is having fun somewhere in glory...and he looks forward to us meeting him there. Im comforted by the hold spirit as scriptures and songs come into my head as though dad is singing them to me. The house doesnt feel the same without his music and song...I miss it. I wonder how long will we have to wait to see him again? When will I too complete the will of God for my life and arrive home to be with Jesus. Imperfect I am...yet I have a new longing to go home.

The day after my fathers funeral

This morning I woke up in so much pain in my hands and feet. There seemed to be a numbing sensation in my face, forearms and calves. To walk felt as though I was stepping on pins and needles. My hands, feet and lower legs felt swollen with an intense burn. It felt great to sleep and know that there was really nothing to do today after weeks of caring for my dad. My body hurts...and I realize that its because my adrenaline has kept me going this past month. Im so tired and so wounded. I ended having another nap and awoke to remembering my mothers birthday today. This is her first celebration without my dad and it hurts me when I think of her not having his love. I just dont feel like being around anyone and the depression keeps me from being busy. I just didnt feel like leaving the house and go shopping for my mothers gift. I didnt bother having a shower because I just didnt care today. I just ended up getting out to walmart to get her something from my kids and I. The younger girls cooked her meal and made her cake=but the day still felt so empty. My view of the world looks different and I cant imagine no seeing my father around the house anymore. His chores around the house are not done and now I feel the responsibility of taking on those duties. After singing my mothers birthday song I just ended up having another nap because the hurt and pain I was experiencing was strong. I so wanted to hear my dads voice joining in our song to mom. I ended up at the casino and did not feel myself all the time we were there. For many months I was left to worry and wonder when dad would leave us. Just knowing that he was no longer around left a huge hole in my heart and I longed to just be with him by his side. With every step Im reminded of the pain I have to endure but somehow I feel its ok. Life feel so different without him here.